relationships

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship
$15.00
This book is a great tool for someone trying to decide if they should "stick in there" and work on the relationship, or move on and get on with your life. I personally have been in marriage counseling off and on for more than 10 years. This book has given me more clarity and peace about the situation than even the counseling. I feel that it is neutral - it doesn't seem slanted towards or away from divorce. It provides practical, logical questions for you to answer and get real about your situation. It gives 36 diagnostic questions for you to plow through and think about. In addition it gives examples of individual stories of people who have "been there" regarding the topic at hand.

I feel this is a practical, logical book to help you get off the fence and either spur you on to invest more in a relationship that has hope, or gives you clarity that it might be better to move on.

Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions
$15.95
I bought this book because of all the glowing reviews. I've found self-help books to be valuable in the past, either as presentations of interesting new ways of thinking that I can incorporate into my own ways of thinking, or as instructional guides for problem-coping techniques, or both. The reviews seemed to indicate that this book would fit that bill.

Unfortunately I was disappointed. Yes, a lot of what Gilbert wrote (or rather, her elucidations of Bowen's theories) "makes sense". Many ideas echo principles that I've learned from other books (i.e. self responsibility). What bothered me about this book was its lack of evidence and data. I'm not saying the evidence doesn't exist, as I do not know either way; I'm just saying that this book does not discuss any of it. One of my favorite self-help books is Marty Seligman's Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life because it describes the experiments behind Seligman's proposed approach to improving one's life. I suppose I had the impression that "Extraordinary Relationships" would be similarly evidence-based. Instead, it's a theoretical treatise that describes a way of looking at the world, without stating any empirical bases for those theories. As such I found the theories interesting, but not convincing. I'm not about to adopt a certain way of thinking without seeing some evidence that it can do me some good.

My other main complaint about this book is that I did not find any actual prescriptions for techniques to use in my daily life. Now that I know about the self-differentiation scale, exactly how am I supposed to go about moving up to become a "higher scale" individual? The closest that this book comes to offering concrete techniques is Chapter 19 where Gilbert lists ten "typical statements made by people who have used Bowen family systems theory ideas successfully in their primary relationships". But these are statements made by people who have implemented the family systems theory successfully (according to themselves)... how exactly did they get there? And what exactly are the metrics for success?

Finally, I have to admit I was put off by the Toman Sibling Position Portraits included as an Appendix to the book. Apparently some of Bowen's theories are based on Toman's work. I found the Sibling Position Portraits to be archaic and sexist. According to the portraits, as an "Oldest Sister of Brothers" I am supposed to be someone whose primary concern and enjoyment is to care for the men in my life, who is "less interested in women", and who seems to "need the companionship of men". This was pretty funny to me considering that I'm a lesbian :) I understand that Toman's studies were conducted in the 1960's and made no attempt to include homosexual partnerships, but the inclusion of this in the Appendix gave the entire book the flavor of something that is outdated and completely not applicable to my life.

The Secret Language of Relationships (reissue)
$34.95
I have looked up several relationships in this book and was surprised to find that the descriptions were strangely accurate. Some of the descriptions were pessimistic about certain pairs, but those passages I read for these pairs were right-on in describing the sorts of problems that arise in the relationship. Pretty fascinating.

Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships: Healing the Wound of the Heart
$14.95
I haven't even finished reading it, but know I want to buy it for all my loved ones. If we don't come to understand why we "do the things we don't want to do, and don't do the things we want to do" we will never know world peace. Peace begins in our heart, and in our relationships, then will extend outwards to the world. I hope everyone gets this message, whether through Welwood's awesome book or other modalities. It's crucial for our continuance as a species.