Shaquille

McFarlane: NBA 2-Pack Action Figures: Shaquille O'Neal vs. Yao Ming
$15.95
This was a great gift for our 11 year old son who loves basketball.
The only trouble we experienced was that we had to use a hammer to assemble one of Shaq's legs because the parts didn't quite fit properly, and the little peg that sticks the basketball to Shaq's finger was missing.
Other than that, they're fine. The likeness to the athletes is very realistic.

NBA Shaquille O'Neal - Like No Other
$24.98
Shaquille O'Neal is truly a One of a Kind Basketball force. we aren't gonna see another Player like him for quite some time. since this DVD came out Shaq has added another Ring to his finger as the Miami Heat Won the title this past year. His Legacy continues to Grow. wherever He goes he always brings a WInning Attitude&a Leadership quality. he makes teammates better&is a Winner. this is a Great DVD for any fans of Shaq.

(I Know I Got) Skillz
$0.99

Steel (1997) [VHS]
$14.98
Back in 2004, I found this at the bargain bin at K-Mart for a mere dollar and thought "This might be a 'so bad it's good' romp to laugh at" and boy was I wrong. Steel was one of the most torturous cinematic experiences of my life. I want my dollar back (I'm not kidding).

For those of you too young to remember the 90's well enough, here's some history for you. Back in the early 90's, Shaquille O' Neal was a rising star in the NBA, so much so, he got record deals to record several rap albums, have his own fighting-themed video game called Shaq Fu, and star in his own movies called Kazaam and Steel; all of which are blights to their respective categories. His rap albums made rap fans scream in agony, Shaq Fu is the rightful whipping boy of video game enthusiasts, and his films are heavily (and rightfully) lambasted by film critics and forgotten by the public. You know how in some vintage cartoons there would be a witch that would touch a plant and it would die on contact? It seems like when Shaq touches anything not relating to basketball, it dies on contact. Given how this cinematic dud still hasn't been released on DVD to this day, I'm certain that it never will since nobody old enough to remember it even remembers it that much.

Now to the movie, it's absolutely awful. The plot is okay, I guess, but given that no one really puts in any effort into their roles, it just makes you want to bash your head on your office desk. For one, Shaq can't act if his life depended on it. Of course, he's monotone 95% of the time but when he really does try to put emotion into his lines, it's unbelievably forced. For example, the scene were army reject Nathaniel Burke (Judd Nelson) fires that soundwave cannon towards the beginning and when John Henry Irons (Shaq) screams out "Nathaniel No!!" is a joke. Shaq also has the stiffest face in film, when his cop friend gets hurt in the line of duty and when Irons chases down one of the bank robbers armed with one of his high-tech weapons, he supposedly gets "mad" and says "It's on" but you can only tell by his lines and not his face. Steel is also the most unimpressive superhero ever. While good superheroes have flaws, Steel is nothing but flaws. All he does is get shot at and fall like a corpse, not to mention that he's unbelievably slow when he moves. The other characters aren't impressive at all, either. For one, the gang members that Burke armed with Steel's weapons are rock stupid. They break into a giant bank but instead of doing something bearing some semblance to realism by being quiet, they yell like Lil' Jon as they steal the money.

While I'm not that hung up on imagery, the Steel costume is atrocious. When he's threatening that thug for stealing some stuff from that old, wealthy couple, you can tell when he's talking that his suit is made of rubber. You'd think they'd at least put some effort in designing a decent costume.

While I know that this is a superhero movie and not intended to be 100% realistic, I was quite annoyed by some severely illogical events in the movie. When Steel confronts one of the bank robbers about where he got that shiny laser gun, the head gang member shoots him in the back with the same type of gun. That same gun was able to shoot down a helicopter yet when Steel gets shot with it, he doesn't die from the blast, he doesn't even get severe burns from it!! There's a scene towards the end that contains the worst "Shaq can't make free throws" joke in the movie (more on that later) where Steel and his nephew are trapped with a live grenade but they were able to perform a whole comedy routine before the grenade explodes. If this had any shred of realism, the grenade would have exploded when Steel shouts "I never make these!!"

The humor is awful, just like everything else in this movie. There's a constant barrage of hammy in-jokes about how Shaq can't shoot free throws that'll have you pulling your hair and groaning in agony. Of course, the cherry on the s*** sundae has to be when Steel and his nephew get locked in that warehouse and are trapped with an armed grenade and the kid tells him to throw it through a small hole several feet above them, Steel utters "I never make these!!" Most of the "humorous" lines are blatantly stolen from other people. Steel's assistant, Susan Sparks, steals "It's not easy being green" from the Muppets and the worst offense has to be when Steel activates his Electro Hammer and blurts out "It's Hammer Time!!" That right there shows desperation and creative bankruptcy because even back in 1997, MC Hammer was out of style and for this cinematic joke to steal from a horribly outdated musician will surely leave the serious film fan doing the "face palm." When Steel's Uncle Joe (played by Richard Roundtree) says "I particularly like the shaft" about Steel's hammer, you'll be screaming to yourself "Is this the best they can do?!!"

Notice how I rated this 4% and not a 0%, that means there is SOME good in it, right? Well, yes. You're about to read my only "glass is half-full" take on this turkey. The only remotely good parts in this movie were when Sparks attacks some bad guys with some weapons installed on her wheelchair and when Steel successfully makes a free throw with a grenade in that warehouse, one of Burke's henchman makes a pretty funny face as he sees the grenade and screams "No!!," squeezed a little laughter out of me.

I hope that there isn't some apologetic, new-found appreciation for this dreck because that's what happened to Howard the Duck and that rotten egg was released on DVD recently. I hope Steel will NEVER be released on DVD because there's absolutely nothing remarkable about it and worth the waste of plastic to manufacture copies of a movie that NOBODY wants. Okay, maybe if there was a Riff Trax version of Steel, then it MIGHT be worth having on DVD.

You may be wondering what happened to my tape of Steel. I didn't bother selling it on eBay since I know no one wants this movie, so I did the next best thing, I blew it up with a Furby on the Fourth of July.