Rachel Specter

Today You Die
$9.99
First let us, Sid the Elf, explain that title. This film stole the basic plot principle from Redline that maybe if the audiance is confused enough, they won't realize we shot this movie with recycled footage, a few thousand bucks, and no permits. Then, they wanted to name the film, "You Talk Too Much," but they couldn't get the naming rights from the almighty Death Ring. Rumor has it that the sticking point on that was Seagal wouldn't pony up the cash to buy Chad McQueen a rhinestone studded leather vest with "Chad" adorning the back. Oh well.

Honestly, Sid wouldn't be able to give a coherent summary of the plot for this one. That could be because there was no plot. Or, more likely, Seagal messed this one up real bad. Let us explain: It is widely known that the producers of this film sued Seagal for showing up eggregiously late for filming and changing the script on the fly. Sid's theory is that Seagal concocted a brilliant plot for the flick, but his wonderful ideas didn't across because he was trying to dispense them to the rest of this wonderful cast through mouthfuls of his ever-present White Castle Crave Case and quart of Wild Turkey. This movie was so great that it would be covered in the first week of Action B 101 at Sid the Elf University. It was so great that it has a DMF(Don Mattingly Factor) and a KHF(Keith Hernandez Factor) of one. It was also so great that it garnered the famous Robert Downey Sr. apperance. And it was so great that it deserves Drive-In Totals.


2 arm snappings

6 nice explosions

8 songs that sounded like 80's songs and/or Journey to the West Soundtrack ripoffs

1023 shots fired

1 exploding chopper

1 B ripoff of a 2Pac song

1 killer mullet on the giant head of Cool Papa Seagal himself...

...and 43 homoerotic looks/exchanges between Seagal and Treach

Lonely Hearts
$9.99
The film starts with music that suggests the 1940s. We see "Sing Sing Prison" and the witnesses to an execution. This is the story about a con man who romanced lonely women to swindle them out of their money and illusions. [Does that white suit seem out of place?] Is that language realistic? The situations seem to be deliberately shocking, which distracts from the story. One detective chooses to look into the suicide of a girl. The scenes are staged to stay in the 1940s. [Note the story to explain Ray's history during the war. Beware of self-serving statements!] The story seems to drag because of the emphasis on shocking the viewers. The shifting of scenes is also distracting.

The police investigation finds other victims that match the pattern. A daughter from Albany has a complaint. A patrolman remembers an incident, the records provide an identification. The detectives find the postal box, then trace it to an address. Blood soaked into the floorboards! They just missed them! [Who tipped them off?] The detective continues his search, he knows Ray Fernandez will strike again. And he does. Twice. Ray is traced to Michigan. Are their actions believable? The police arrive to capture them alive. They find the bodies. Martha Beck makes a statement, they are extradited back to New York for the murders. Guilty. The final scene shows their ending. "So long." [You can research this true crime for more information.]

There is a long list of credits at the end. This is based on a true crime from the 1940s. I wonder how much was changed for dramatic effect? A better script and direction would make a better story. They took special care to imitate the clothes and cars of that era, but that money could have been spent on a better script. There is no need for the settings when things like that go on today. Was this film designed as an argument for capital punishment? There is one glaring sin of omission: travel in those days would be more likely by train than airplane. The monetary figures are far out of date, $5,000 would be worth more than a dozen times that amount today. This film should have been rated X.

Slap Bet
$1.99

Prom Night (Unrated)
$5.49
...somebody does something really stupid and everyone hates them for it? well this was a 90 minutes movie of stupidness. Honestly, I found myself yelling at the screen saying "don't go back there". Truthfully this was a pointless movie, predictable in every way, and the characters were just too stupid to survive.