David DeCoteau

The Raven
$24.95
First of all, not every film pleases everyone. That being said I did not like it as much as some other films I've seen. Let's just say it was not my cup of tea and leave it at that.

Creepozoids [VHS]
$9.99
Dear Lord what a pile of rubbish. To simply describe Creepozoids as another low budget horror film would just be unfair. Movies like this truly are in a league all their own.

The year is 1998, and nuclear war has reduced the earth to nothing more than a smoldering, blackened shell of a planet. The only form of human life remaining are small bands of soldiers who struggle to survive the acid rain and the creatures that rise from the nuclear waste. (Mind you we don't actually see this acid rain or the creatures, the opening credits simply tell us about it with text). A particular group of these soldiers have deserted the army to start lives of their own in a military bunker, but what they don't expect is the creature waiting for them within.

I'm always up for some nonsensical 80's horror gobbledy gook, but Creepozoids is just downright offensive in it's stupidity. What we have here is a group of people running around what is obviously one of those rental storage spaces while they get chased down by giant rat puppets and a guy in a black rubber alien suit. Because this movie really doesn't deserve the time to be analyzed, I'll summarize by saying that every aspect of Creepozoids from the acting to the special effects are the worst of the worst. Even if you're just in it for the laughs, it's rough times ahead.

There are certainly worse movies out there, but don't take that as a sign to run out and see Creepozoids. Leave this one for the most hardcore collectors and horror completists.

Beastly Boyz: A Twisted Tale of Revenge
$29.95
That's 75 minutes I won't be getting back. OK it was less than 75 minutes because after about a third of the movie we realized every single scene was dragged out beyond tolerance or reason so we started fast forwarding. Even while fast forwarding we were floored how unbearably long each scenes dragged (for God's sake stab him already). Sure the actors were fit, beyond that this may possibly be the worst piece of crap I have ever been subjected to & I've seen some crap. Then there's the ending ... what the hell was that? We were left completely bewildered, not caring but wondering exactly who the hell financed this abomination.

Prey of the Jaguar
$6.99
I like B movies, superhero movies and revenge movies, so when I find a B movie superhero revenge flick, well that's some of the sweetest cream of all.

Unfortunately though, this cinematic cream is close to turning bad. It's not curdled yet, but it's starting to chunkify. It's more like cinematic Half and Half, half good movie and half not so good. It breaks down like this;

Derek Leigh is an undercover agent for the SOC, an agency so Top Secret that we never clearly learn what the acronym SOC means. He puts away the son of a huge drug lord, Bandera, and then drops into the Witness Relocation Program so that the drug lord can't get revenge on him.

The movie starts 8 years later. Bandera is locked up in a Federal pen, which is remarkably short of both federal employees and prisoners. I knew something was up with this movie when Bandera steps out of his cot wearing leopard skin print underwear. I know there is a prison in the Southwest where the warden makes the prisoners wear bright pink skivvies in order to make their stay less pleasant and them, therefore, less likely to return. But I don't know what kind of prison issues leopard skin underwear and I'm not sure I want to know.

Anyhow, Bandera's cartel breaks him out while the prison is transferring him to another facility. The cartel is well funded and organized and they manage to pull off the break out easily, although not without employing some inept martial arts. It was the same style martial art practiced by Gil Gerard and William Shatner and other middle-aged action heroes, a style with a name like Creaky Mantis or Winded Monkey. Luckily they were so inept they were funny.

Of course Bandera ices our hero's family and although that bit of violence happens off camera, we are there when he discovers their bodies and let me tell you he emits a "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" that would put Darth Vader to shame. Bandera tries to ice Derek at his job site (He's a roofer! Thanks alot Witness Protection Program!!!) But the metal wine flask he carries in his pocket saves Derek. "Whatever the vintage" says the cop who finds his unconscious body, this wine saved his life".

That cop is played by none other than Linda Blair. I have to warn you though that this is not the sultry, pouty, "I don't care if she's possessed because I would pork the devil out of her" Linda Blair from the woman in prison movies. This is the late 90's Edie McClurg in training Linda Blair.

She and her partner, a detective who looks like a statue of Dennis Franz sculpted from cottage cheese, end up trying to track Derek down once he becomes Jaguar.

Now this is an interesting little angle. Derek's kid loved superheroes and he created his own little comic books. His favorite creation was Jaguar, a man who made his body and mind strong so he could fight crime. Derek patterns his crime fighting costume very closely after the costume his kid had designed, in order to honor his son. Wow, that's different, and probably the most interesting angle in the entire movie. Unfortunately the design of the costume doesn't work very well on film as Jaguar looks like one of the Village People of the Future come back through a wormhole in time.

I won't spoil the rest of the movie for you except to say Jaguar's revenge involves the liberal use of explosive tipped crossbow bolts.

This movie wanted to be Batman meets Out for Justice but didn't achieve that awesome synthesis because, in a word, it was half-ased. The writing, directing, acting and design were all done to a half measure. That's too bad because it had the potential to become a nice little low budget gem. Instead it's more of a zirconium. It's one of those movies that truly deserve a good remake.