Chupacabra

Toy Vault Chupacabra Plush Toy
$24.99
There is something seriously wrong with you if you think you need a review. Meanwhile: heh heh: "educational value" --

I bought this so I could put a nametag on it and make fun of a co-worker. For this purpose, it works perfectly.
PERFECTLY.
"Hello, my name is Joe"
My other co-workers don't get the joke. But a Chupacabra is a GOAT SUCKER.
If you don't get the joke it's ok. I don't expect much from you.
-r
PS: The posable limbs make it able to hold onto the side of my cube at work, more than I expected. Now I need to buy a dozen more and put the names of other co-workers on them.
Suckers!
-=-

Chupacabra
$17.95
Dumas White is the Sheriff of Uvalde County, a beautiful area on the edge of the Texas Hill Country where the Leona, Nueces, and Frio Rivers connect. It is the home of approximately twenty-five thousand farmers, ranchers, and sportsmen. It is also the temporary summer home of several thousand swimmers, tubers, and fishermen, and the alternate home of as many bird and deer hunters in the fall and winter. Dumas' usual job is to keep the locals and the visitors from hurting one another, but when a series of animal mutilations culminates in a brutal murder, his job becomes much more complicated. As the investigation progresses and the secrets of the small town are revealed like the slowly peeling skin of a rotting onion, Dumas begins to understand the importance of the many secrets he has protected over the years. When a drunken citizens confesses to the murder and claims to be a Vampire, Dumas has to examine his own motivations and dig into his own secrets before he can accept the truth. Forget everything you thought you knew about Vampires, because Chupacabra gives a whole new name to the blood-suckers.

Chupacabra Terror
$14.94
Chupacabra Terror: 2 out of 10: It was the Navy Seal team that tipped the balance from bad cheesy movie to just bad. Up till then there was a lot of bad movie baggage but the so called Navy Seals take the cake

First of all I could find a more physically acceptable group of middle aged men at a Hooters during a Florida vs FSU Saturday afternoon matchup. Second instead of military helmets they are wearing bicycle helmets painted black. You know the ones with air holes that make every adult who wears them look like a complete tool. Honestly was there not one single police supply shop or military surplus store within a hundred miles of the set? And how hard is it to get extras that dont look like Peter from Family Guy?

The helmets were just the start of the S.E.A.L.S. problems. The glorified bass fishing boat they took to the cruise ship might have been another clue we werent dealing with the real deal. (It wouldn't have made it across Tampa Bay let alone an actual ocean) And their military tactics wouldn't pass muster on a 3rd rate XBOX game.

Another query posed by this film. Does director John Shepphird have photos of John Rhys-Davies in a compromising position with a Hobbit? Because I can't think of any other reason he would be in this movie. (Well except for the paycheck. I am only comforted by that famous Michael Caine quote when asked if he had seen Jaws 4 the Revenge. I have never seen Jaws 4 but he has seen the house that it bought and that's beautiful.)

The other actors have a great excuse to be in the film. They are talentless unattractive hacks that couldn't get hired for an infomercial. The plot (if one is so bold to use that word so loosely) is that two men try to smuggle the mythical Chupacabra (Love saying that name) aboard a cruise ship and it gets loose.


The interior sets clearly were designed by someone who may have seen an episode of the Love Boat once. (They are complete with airshafts the size of a small apartment.) The monster killings are bottom of the barrel; there is no nudity (An apparently pre-breast implant Chelan Simmons of Kyle XY and Final Destination 3 keeps her clothes on); and to top off the suck a lot of really bad actors refuse to finish their death scenes.

Of particular annoyance is a gigolo character from a 60's Doris Day movie who keeps coming back to life during his death scene like a drunken Tim Conway trying to annoy Harvey Korman on a Carol Burnett Variety Hour.

Speaking of monster killings the cast bleeds ketchup while the Chupacabra bleeds day green glow in the dark blood. (Why a goat eating Mexican mammal would bleed anything but red is beyond me.) Cheering the monster in these movies is pretty run of the mill. But honestly I simply wanted some of the actors to be injured just enough so they could never act in a movie again.

El Chupacabra
$7.98
We get an animal control officer, his cousin, an author, two idiot cops, three seemingly harmless gang members, a mad scientist, his henchman, and a homeless person. I left out a couple of people, but you get the picture. This is low-low budget film-making at it's... er, um, best? Well, it's not the worst I've seen anyway. The title creature is semi-impressive w/ no zippers I could detect. Just some poor guy in a monkey-man suit hopping around. There is blood, intestines, and carnage, though there's not much suspense. The humor is ham-fisted and mostly flops on the floor. I didn't fall asleep, but I did check the clock to see if time had actually stood still at one point. If you enjoy movies like ASTRO ZOMBIES or CORPSE GRINDERS, the style and cheapness of EL CHUPACABRA might appeal to you (although both AZ and CG are superior tales)...